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-Jokes
./. Witze ./. Humor
27.12.2000-
(=) On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting
at a
=) traffic light,
=) and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop says
=) to the kid,
=) "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
=)
=) The kid says, "Yeah."
=)
=) The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light
on that
=) bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00
=) bicycle safety
=) violation ticket.
=)
=) The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the
way,
=) that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
=)
=) Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
=)
=) The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the prick
=) underneath
=) the horse, instead of on top.
>Subject: FW: Friday afternoon comedy... Part 1
>
> The Washington Post recently published a contest for readers in which
they
> were asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. The
following
> were some of the winning entries:
>
> Abdicate (v.): To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
> Esplanade (v.): To attempt an explanation while drunk.
> Willy-nilly (adj.): Impotent
> Flabbergasted (adj.): Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
> Negligent (adj.): Describes a condition in which you absentmindedly
> answer the door in your nightie.
> Lymph (v.): To walk with a lisp.
> Gargoyle (n.): An olive-flavoured mouthwash.
> Coffee (n.): A person who is coughed upon.
> Flatulence (n.): The emergency vehicle that picks you up after you
> are run over by a steamroller.
> Balderdash (n.): A rapidly receding hairline.
> Testicle (n.): A humorous question on an exam.
> Semantics (n.): Pranks conducted by young men studying for the
> priesthood,
> including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's prayer
book
> together just before vespers.
> Rectitude (n.): The formal, dignified demeanour assumed by a
> proctologist
> immediately before he examines you.
> Oyster (n.): A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
> expressions.
> Circumvent (n.): The opening in the front of boxer shorts.
> Frisbatarianism (n.): The belief that, when you die, your soul goes
up
> on
> the roof and gets stuck there.
>
> Part 2
>
> The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take
any
> word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting or changing
one
> letter
> and supply a new definition. Here are some recent winners:
>
> Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the reader
> who doesn't get it.
> Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
> Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very high.
> Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of
> obtaining sex.
> Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously.
> Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease.
> Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really
> bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like
a
> serious
> bummer.
> Glibido: All talk and no action.
> Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when
they
> come
> at you rapidly.
> Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a refund from the Inland Revenue,
which
> lasts until you realise it was your money to start with. And, best
of
> all...
> Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an arsehole.
>
=) Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was
=) empty. He
=) tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his
=) tracks when
=) he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
=)
=) Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.
=) "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
=)
=) The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he
=) looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage
=) and in the
=) cage was a parrot.
=)
=) He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching
me?"
=)
=) "Yes", said the parrot.
=)
=) The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's
=) your name?"
=)
=) "Clarence," said the bird.
=)
=) "That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What
idiot
=) named you Clarence?"
=)
=) The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
Warum onanieren Taubstumme mit der linken Hand ?
- Weil sie die Rechte zum stöhnen brauchen.
> >LEKTION DER WOCHE
> >
> >John hat seine Mutter zum Essen in seine Zweier-WG
> >eingeladen. Während des Essens stellte seine Mutter
> >fest, wie schön seine Mitbewohnerin eigentlich ist.
> >Schon seit längerem spielte Sie mit dem Gedanken, daß
die beiden eine
> >Beziehung haben könnten und das machte Sie unsicher.
> >Während des Abends, als Sie die Beiden beobachtete, begann
Sie sich zu
> >fragen, ob da wirklich mehr vorhanden war, zwischen John und
seiner
> >Mitbewohnerin, als das normale Auge zu sehen bekam.
> >Ihre Gedanken lesend, sagte John:
> >Ich weiss was Du denkst, aber ich versichere Dir, dass wir nur
> >miteinander wohnen.
> >Etwa eine Woche später, sagte Julie zu John: Seit deine
Mutter bei uns
> >zum Essen war, kann ich meine silberne Saucenschale nicht mehr
finden.
> >John antwortete ihr:
> >Nun, ich glaube kaum, dass sie sie mitgenommen hat, aber ich
werde ihr
> >schreiben. So setzte er sich hin und schrieb:
> >
> >Liebe Mutter,
> >ich sage nicht, Du hast die Saucenschale mitgenommen und ich
sage auch
> >nicht, Du hast sie nicht mitgenommen. Aber der Punkt ist, dass
seit Du
> >bei uns zum Essen warst, fehlt eben die Saucenschale.
> >In Liebe, John.
> >
> >Mehrere Tage später erhielt John einen Brief von seiner
Mutter in
> >welchem stand:
> >
> >Lieber John,
> >Ich sage nicht, dass Du mit Julie schläfst, und ich sage
auch nicht,
> >dass Du nicht mit ihr schläfst. Aber der Punkt ist, wenn
sie in ihrem
> >eigenen Bett geschlafen hätte, hätte sie die Saucenschale
schon längst
> >gefunden
> >In Liebe, Mom
> >
> >LEKTION DER WOCHE: Belüge nie deine Mutter
A man walks into the doctor's office with 2 black eyes and
a five iron wrapped tightly around his neck.
Naturally the doctor asks why, and the man begins his story.
"Well, my wife went out for a quiet day of golf. She teed
off and we watched her ball head straight into a pasture
of cows. We walk over to look for it. As I looked around
I saw something white on the rear end of a cow, I walk
over and sure enough, there's my wife's ball stuck right
in the middle of the cows butt.
So I lift up the tail, and scream to my wife, hey this
looks like yours!
=) Dave's wife says he deserves a special present for his
=) birthday, so she
=) decides to take him to a local strip club. Dave is
=) hesitant, but she is
=) insistent.
=)
=) The doorman at the club greets them and says, "Hey, Dave, how
ya
=) doing?" The wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this
=) club before.
=) "Oh no," says Dave. "He works out at the gym with me."
=)
=) When they are seated, a waitress comes over and asks Dave if
=) he'd like
=) his usual Guinness. The wife is now becoming uncomfortable and says,
=) "You must come here a lot for that woman to know you drink Guinness."
=) "No, honey, she's in the Ladies Bowling League. We share lanes
with
=) them."
=)
=) At that moment a stripper comes to their table and throws her arms
=) around Dave. "Hi Davey," she says, "want your usual
table dance?"
=)
=) The wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the
=) club. Dave
=) follows and spots his wife getting into a cab. Before she
=) can slam the
=) door, Dave jumps in beside her. Right away she starts
=) screaming at him.
=) The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a
real
=) bitch tonight, Dave."
(p-tv)
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