-Jokes-

vice president of sex and music

>Three guys went into business for themselves. Said the
>first, "I put up sixty-five percent of the capital, so
>I'm the president and chairman of the board."
>
>"I put up thirty percent of the money," said the second,
>"so I'm appointing myself vice president, secretary, and
>treasurer."
>
>"Well I put up five percent," pointed out the third
>partner. "What's that make me?"
>
>The chairman said, "I'm appointing you vice president of
>sex and music."
>
>"That sounds mighty fine," said the third man, "but what
>does it mean?"
>
>"It means what when I want your fucking advice, I'll
>whistle."
>

I think these are 'ridiculous cases of even more stupid than usual
Americans'.
The winner is by far the best...

RUNNER-UP # 8

Colorado Springs: A guy walked into a little corner store with a shot gun
and
demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash
in a
bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on
the
shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and
said
"Because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the
clerk
still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point
the
robber took his drivers license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The
clerk looked it over, and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put
the
scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The
cashier
promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that
he
got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

RUNNER-UP # 7

A woman was reporting her car as stolen, and mentioned that there was a car
phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told the
guy
that answered that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to buy the
car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.

RUNNER-UP # 6

San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into
the
branch and wrote "this iz a stikkup. Put all your muny in this bag." While
standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry
that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he
reached
the teller window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to
Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to
the
Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that
he
was not the brightest light in the harbour, told him that she could not
accept
his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip
and
that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
to
Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said "OK" and left. The
Wells Fargo teller then called the police who arrested the man a few minutes
later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

RUNNER-UP # 5

>From England: A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap
that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received
in
the mail a ticket for 40 Pounds and a photo of his car. Instead of payment,
he
sent the police department a photograph of 40 Pounds. Several days later, he
received a letter from the police that contained another picture ... of
handcuffs. The motorist promptly sent the money for the fine.

RUNNER-UP # 4

Drug Possession Defendant Christopher Jansen, on trial in March in Pontiac,
Michigan, said he had been searched without a warrant. The prosecutor said
the
officer didn't need a warrant because a "bulge" in Christopher's jacket
could
have been a gun. "Nonsense," said Christopher, who happened to be wearing
the
same jacket that day in court. He handed it over so the judge could see it.
The
judge discovered a packet of cocaine in the pocket and laughed so hard he
required a five minute recess to compose himself.

RUNNER-UP # 3

Oklahoma City: Dennis Newton was on trial for the armed robbery of a
convenience
store in district court when he fired his lawyer. Assistant district
attorney
Larry Jones said Newton, 47, was doing a fair job of defending himself until
the
store manager testified that Newton was the robber. Newton jumped up,
accused
the woman of lying and then said,"I should of blown your (expletive) head
off."
The defendant paused, then quickly added, "If I'd been the one that was
there."
The jury took 20 minutes to convict Newton and recommended a 30-year
sentence.

RUNNER-UP # 2

Detroit: R.C. Gaitlan, 21, walked up to two patrol officers who were showing
their squad car computer felon-location equipment to children in a Detroit
neighbourhood. When he asked how the system worked, the officer asked him
for
identification. Gaitlan gave them his drivers license, they entered it into
the
computer, and moments later they arrested Gaitlan because information on the
screen showed Gaitlan was wanted for a two-year-old armed robbery in St.
Louis,
Missouri.

RUNNER-UP # 1

Another from Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
nervously
waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved,
the startled first bandit shot him.

THE WINNER

A Charlotte, NC, man having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive
cigars, insured them against fire among other things. Within a month, having
smoked his entire stockpile of cigars and without having made even his first
premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance
company. In his claim, the man stated the cigars were lost "in a series of
small
fires." The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that
the
man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion. The man sued.... and won.
In
delivering the ruling the judge agreeing that the claim was frivolous,
stated
nevertheless that the man held a policy from the company in which it had
warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would
insure against fire, without defining what it considered to be "unacceptable
fire," and was obligated to pay the claim. Rather than endure a lengthy and
costly appeal process the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid the
man
$15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in "the fires." After the man cashed the
check, however, the company had him arrested on 24 counts of arson. With his
own
insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him,
the
man was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and
sentenced to
24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

> > > Der Wahrheit sehr nahe
> > >
> > >
> > >
> > > > > Es war einmal ein Schaefer, der in einer einsamen Gegend
> > > seine Schafe
> > > > > huetete. Ploetzlich tauchte in einer grossen Staubwolke
> > > ein nagelneuer
> > > > > Cherokee Jeep auf und hielt direkt neben ihm.
> > > > > Der Fahrer des Jeeps, ein junger Mann in Brioni Anzug,
> > > Cerutti Schuhen,
> > > > > Ray Ban Sonnenbrille und einer YSL Krawatte steigt aus
> > > und fragt ihn:
> > > > > "Wenn ich errate, wieviele Schafe sie haben, bekomme ich
> > > dann eins?"
> > > > > Der Schaefer schaut den jungen Mann an, dann seine
> > > friedlich grasenden
> > > > > Schafe, und sagt ruhig "In Ordnung".
> > > > > Der junge Mann parkt den Jeep, verbindet sein Notebook
> > > mit dem Handy,
> > > > > geht im Internet auf eine NASA Seite, scannt die Gegend
> > > mit Hilfe seines
> > > > > GPS Satellitennavigationssystems, oeffnet eine Datenbank
> > > und 60 Excel
> > > > > Tabellen mit einer Unmenge Formeln. Schliesslich druckt
> > > er einen 150
> > > > > seitigen Bericht auf seinem Hi-Tech Minidrucker, dreht
> > sich zu dem
> > > > > Schaefer um und sagt: "Sie haben hier exakt 1586 Schafe."
> > > > > Der Schaefer sagt "Das ist richtig, suchen Sie sich ein
> > > Schaf aus."
> > > > > Der junge Mann nimmt ein Schaf und laedt es in den Jeep ein.
> Der
> > > > > Schaefer schaut ihm zu und sagt: "Wenn ich ihren Beruf
> > > errate, geben
> > > > > Sie mir das Schaf dann zurueck? Der junge Mann antwortet:
> > > "Klar, warum
> > > > > nicht." Der Schaefer sagt: "Sie sind ein Unternehmensberater."
> > > > > "Das ist richtig, woher wissen Sie das?" will der junge
> > > Mann wissen.
> > > > > "Sehr einfach," sagt der Schaefer,
> > > > > "erstens kommen sie hierher, obwohl sie niemand hergerufen hat.
> > > > > zweitens wollen Sie ein Schaf als Bezahlung haben dafuer,
> > > dass Sie mir
> > > > > etwas sagen, was ich ohnehin schon weiss,
> > > > > und drittens haben Sie keine Ahnung von dem, was ich mache,
> > > > > denn Sie haben sich meinen Hund ausgesucht."
> > >
(p-tv) (p-tv)